This guide will help arm you with information and tips to guide you through some tough social situations—and the right actions you can take to be as safe as possible.
Please Note: This feature tackles some very mature, serious topics. If you have any additional concerns or questions about the subject matter, consult with a parent or teacher for support and further discussion.
Making the transition from adolescence to young adult can be tough. As you mature, you'll find yourself in more “real life” situations and will be faced with circumstances that can potentially be uncomfortable to deal with. Parties are a part of high school, college, and even after college, and in social situations it’s up to you to decide how you will act.
If you go away for college, being far from home doesn’t mean you have to be careless. Don’t feel pressured to party hard just because your friends are doing it. Remember, the legal drinking age 21, so you can still be responsible while playing it cool.
Analyzing consent
High school and college can be some of the most fun and exciting times of your life; it’s when you start to assert your own independence and make your own choices. Some of the decisions you make will be tough, and others won’t be. One of the bigger choices you will be faced with is surrounding sexual consent.
When you consent, you are agreeing to engage in sexual activity with someone. Talking about what things you’re cool with doing before can help make it less confusing for you and your partner at the moment. However, sometimes this does not always happen. Agreeing to do something once does not mean you are allowing it to happen multiple times, either.
You can change your mind at any time. Kissing someone, for example, doesn’t mean you’re going to have sex. Communication is vital. Remember: you are always the one in control.
“Always respect a partner’s boundaries--ask first--and respect the answer,” says Mike Domitrz of Date Safe Project. “Transform how we talk about consent. Instead of thinking of ‘permission,’ focus on consent being mutually wanted, enthusiastically given between partners of legal age and sound mind.”
Be clear with your partner about what you’re OK with and NOT OK with. Also, know the age of consent (the age that is legally OK) to engage in sex with someone in the state you’re in.
What consent isn’t
According to Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) this is NOT consent:
- Refusing to acknowledge “no”
- Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more
- Someone is underage, as defined by the state you live in
- Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol
- Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
- Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past
What exactly is sexual assault?
The United States Department of Justice Website states that sexual assault is: any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are: forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape. If you feel that you have experienced any of these it is important to seek help immediately. “You may find yourself in a situation where you meet someone you like and hit it off immediately at a party or another social gathering,” says Domitrz. “Although you may think you like them it’s important to know your surroundings and also to follow your gut. You can always change your mind about a situation you may find yourself in.”
If something feels off, do whatever you can to get out of the situation. If you’re at a party and start to make out, and the other person escalates it to more than you agreed to, tell them “no.” If they ignore what you’re telling them, get up, try to leave, find a friend or someone close by to help you. Do whatever you can to get away from the situation.
What to do if you are assaulted
If you find yourself in a situation where someone is trying to physically overpower you; yell, kick, scream, and fight to get them off you. Using items like Pepper Spray (You must be 18 years of age to legally carry Pepper Spray in the United States) or even perfume and spraying it in your attacker's eyes can blind them temporarily, allowing you to get away. If you are with a group of friends and see a situation that doesn’t seem right, try to intervene. If someone needs help, try to create a diversion or interject yourself into the situation. Help get them, and yourself, away from the person who could be harming them.
“After sexual assault, it’s hard to know how to react. You may be physically hurt, emotionally drained, or unsure what to do next. You may be considering working with the criminal justice system, but are unsure of where to start. Learning more about what steps you can take following sexual violence can help ground you in a difficult time. If you're in immediate danger, or seriously injured, call 911,” says Sara Mcgovern, a RAINN spokeswoman.
Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline and talk to a professional there. They can help walk you through the process of getting the help you need, at your own pace. It is never your fault. To reiterate, if you are the victim of an assault or a crime it’s important to know that you are not to blame. It’s important to contact the police and necessary medical professionals. Even if you are underage, it’s OK to take the necessary steps the report the crime.
Stats to keep in mind
Sexual assault can happen to anyone at any point in time, no matter how you identify. (LGBTQ) According to RAINN, female-identified people ages 16-19 are four times more likely than the general public to be victims of sexual assault; or to be abused. Another study that appears on RAINN’s website states that ages 12-34 are the years that people are most likely to experience a sexually violent crime. The 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey found that, “47% of transgender people are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.” The Center for Disease Control’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found “22 percent of bisexual women have been raped by an intimate partner, compared to 9 percent of heterosexual women.” The same survey also noted that “40 percent of gay men and 47 percent of bisexual men have experienced sexual violence other than rape, compared to 21 percent of heterosexual men.” Be an ally.
Communication is important
Never leave a party without telling your friends, and even parents, where you are going. Keep an eye on friends and make sure they also feel comfortable. Safety in numbers is important, especially when you are out for a night of partying.
Be extra cautious about the party photos you post on social media. Things live on the internet forever so while it seems cool to tag yourself or your friends in a photo of you partying now, down the line it could be seen by future employers.
Have an exit plan
When you plan to head out for a night of fun, go with friends you can trust. Try not to attend a party alone, especially if you really don’t know the host. Have an exit plan. Make sure to text your friends if you decide to head home earlier than expected. Have a designated spot to meet friends when going out just in case anything happens. This could be your favorite late night pizza place or even a Starbucks.
If you do decide to attend a party solo, and aren’t driving, walk down busy or well-lit streets at night. Don't take shortcuts. If you’re away at college, see if your campus has a night bus/safety van you can call for late pick-ups.
Ride and taxi apps such as Uber and Lyft are a great way to help you get home safely, so make sure you have them downloaded and that your phone has enough battery. (And be careful in any car pick-up or taxi. Small talk with the driver is fine, but stay safe by not revealing details about your life to this stranger. Hold your phone the whole time or call someone in the cab and let them know you’re in one, just to keep them in the loop about your whereabouts.)
If you’re a close enough walk home from a party, using the app Companion lets a friend see you moving in real time and tracks where you are going.
Be the designated driver
Remember this, always: In the U.S., the legal drinking age is Twenty-one. Which means, if you drink alcohol under age 21, it’s against the law. Just because you are at a party does not mean you have to drink alcohol. Grab water, juice, Sprite—whatever else you want that makes you feel most comfortable, or bring your own non-alcoholic drink to a party. However, this is easier said than done, and at parties, especially in college, oftentimes there is alcohol present.
If you are around someone who had too much to drink, do not let them drive home. Take their keys away from them, and encourage them to lay down immediately, rest, and hydrate with water. Or, you drive them home yourself, sober, and make sure they get to bed.
Never, ever get into a car with a drunk driver—ever!—and do not drive (or even walk home) if you are drunk. Rest immediately, even if there are people around at the party, or ask a sober friend to drive you home.
Before heading to a party, make sure someone in your group is the designated driver (someone who is not drinking alcohol all night, and thus, is sober) and if you have your license, don’t hesitate to BE the designated driver.
If a friend or a roommate comes home drunk, encourage them to drink water to hydrate and purge the alcohol from their system.
Always Have Cash
Cash is king and it’s a good thing to have as a backup. Your phone may die, or you may be in a situation where you have to hail a regular cab and their credit card machine is out. Or, you may have to get a friend home in a cab.
Try to carry a $20 on yourself, physically, on the off chance your purse or wallet is stolen, having that extra $20 could be a lifesaver if you get yourself into a jam. If your wallet is stolen, make sure to call the necessary bank, credit card/debit companies and other agencies. Contact your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles for a new Driver’s License, and your college’s Student Affairs department for a new school ID. It’s a time-consuming task to cancel and obtain new cards and ID, but your parents can also provide some guidance on what to do. Borrow money from friends if you need to until your new debit card arrives, although most banks will issue you a temporary one.
Good to know
Mike Domitrz outlines these general safety tips:
- Let friends, family, and friends know you will be there for them no matter what
- Create a safe, supportive environment for survivors to come forward
- Intervene and stop anyone from using alcohol and/or drugs to facilitate sexual assault
- Ask First. Respect the Answer. Only engage in sexual activity that is wanted by all partners
Don’t Feel Awkward
College is about new experiences; but stay true to who you are. If you feel uncomfortable at a party or in a situation where there are drugs and alcohol involved, leave and try and deal with your feelings accordingly. Part of growing up is learning who you can and cannot trust. This may also be the time in your life when you realize your parents or older relatives are pretty amazing, and you can turn to them for advice about more adult situations. You may be surprised by their smart, sound advice, and they'll be impressed by your maturity and clarity. Have fun, and step out of your comfort zone, but be careful, and aware.
Resources
RAINN: rain.org | 800-656-HOPE National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673 National Sexual Violence Resource Center: nsvrc.org Date Safe Project: 1-800-329-9390 | datesafeproject.org SAFEB.A.E.: safebae.org The App Companion: Download from Apple Store: companionapp.io